There are times that I’ve thought of starting my life over. I tend to drift off and start thinking up various ways this can happen, and maybe, just maybe, life will work out in my favour this time. Nothing too drastic or far-fetched, you know. Just in the ways I’ve always wished or things I would do/would have done differently to set me on the right path. I usually end up with two basic ideas as solutions for these thoughts. They’re nothing elaborate or spectacular; probably ideas that anyone whose ever thought this way has had at least once.
The first is to run away and never look back. At least, not till I get my life as properly sorted out as I’d like it to be. I know this is a selfish one, so it’s not the best of the both. I like it cause I don’t necessarily have to start from scratch, and I’m now capable of taking care of myself alone. It’s also the most reasonable of the two to me. Sometimes, I just want to pack a bag, empty my bank account, and create a new identity and life for myself. I like to believe I’llbe a better person if I end up following this path. The second is reincarnation. I want to knowingly die, be reincarnated and still be aware of myself. Of course, I’d have to believe in reincarnation and also believe that we remain conscious of our former selves when we come back into the world. That is my ideal way of starting over. Nobody gets hurt, I don’t get looked for, I fade out of this world and step into a hopefully better one where I’m able to truly start over.
Sadly (or thankfully?), these are just wistful fantasies I have, especially the second. I’m probably never going to do the first. I once prayed to God to make me emotional, but I guess I should have been more specific. He made me more empathic than I’d like to be and didn’t give me the sort of emotions I was looking for- if He did, I’m not yet aware of it. So, because of this, If I ever run away I would end up worry myself to death thinking about how I cut myself off from people that actually gave a damn about me. Unless something significantly upsetting or life-changing moves me to do it, I really don’t think I could ever run away.
Like Johnny Cash said-
“If I could start again a million miles away, I would keep myself. I would find a way.”
Yeah, these are just thoughts that pass through my mind once in a while…
Thoughts of a Mad Hatter 