BIRTHDAYS…

​Every year, my mum recounts how God protected me from death during labour… She strongly believes my birthday is extra special because of this & I should be grateful for life. This time, though, I didn’t take her words for granted because I felt truly blessed. 

This year I had a super low-key but amazing birthday. I mean, my birthday’s usually are this way but for some reason I appreciated this one the most. My family was super sweet as always, my niece and nephew’s overwhelming love made me cry cause I’m a sap, hung out with different groups of people, caught up with an old friend I hadn’t seen in ages and it was great, had the loveliest & funniest birthday dinner with someone, and the birthday love surprisingly spilled into the next couple of days cause people kept remembering and gifting. I got 4 out of the 5 things I really wanted and the best part is I did not share my wish list with anyone! That aside, I was mostly touched cause I have not been a very accessible person this year, so I felt really happy knowing people were thinking about me despite my bad behaviour. 

Anyway, I had a truly lovely day and I just felt I needed to share this for the good memories. This entry went differently than I’d expected, though. I was going to expatiate on my mum’s speech, but I guess it’s kind of come around again because, at the end of it all, I am super grateful for my life and I am eternally thankful for those who genuinely care.

BIRTHDAY’S…

​Every year, my mum recounts how God protected me from death during labour… She strongly believes my birthday is extra special because of this & I should be grateful for life. This time, though, I didn’t take her words for granted because I felt truly blessed. 

This year I had a super low-key but amazing birthday. I mean, my birthday’s usually are this way but for some reason I appreciated this one the most. My family was super sweet as always, my niece and nephew’s overwhelming love made me cry cause I’m a sap, hung out with different groups of people, caught up with an old friend I hadn’t seen in ages and it was great, had the loveliest & funniest birthday dinner with someone, and the birthday love surprisingly spilled into the next couple of days cause people kept remembering and gifting. I got 4 out of the 5 things I really wanted and the best part is I did not share my wish list with anyone! That aside, I was mostly touched cause I have not been a very accessible person this year, so I felt really happy knowing people were thinking about me despite my bad behaviour. 

Anyway, I had a truly lovely day and I just felt I needed to share this for the good memories. This entry went differently than I’d expected, though. I was going to expatiate on my mum’s speech, but I guess it’s kind of come around again because, at the end of it all, I am super grateful for my life and I am eternally thankful for those who genuinely care.

MIND WANDERING SYNDROME

I feel like I don’t know how to write anymore. I am either no longer able to gather my various, winding thoughts long enough to put pen to paper or I don’t even want to make the effort at all anymore…

In the past, once I had a thought train I wrote it down then expanded on it later. This also helped me to move on from the issue by understanding and cataloguing whatever was irking me at that point. I was able to have a somewhat uncluttered, mostly well compartmentalised mind but sadly I’ve lost this skill. 

I have to admit that a big part of it was due to apathy and despair. Why would I want to write about the darkness? Why would I want to put myself through that and then see it whenever I go through my blog posts?? There was a lot of it, too. So, in attempting and obviously failing at sweeping it under the rug, I somehow managed to include everything else. When I think about all the good times I could have written about and the happy moments filled with unending joy that are now hazy in my memories I’m filled with annoyance. I should have written about those moments because I know how much I would have loved to come back and read them. It’s better than having nothing to read yet only remembering the sadness that clouded everything else…

I’ve decided to start that now. I know I don’t do it because obviously I take those moments for granted which is terrible. A friend said I shouldn’t be so negative and to describe it as “too focused on living in the present to stop and document it”. That might be a nice way of viewing things, but it’s also ridiculous because why would I rather write about the down times when I can write on the moments that have brought me happiness?

Once I sort out this mind wandering problem, I’m going to start writing about everything. Hopefully, that’ll be soon… I mean, the reason I did start this blog/diary was to create a space where I am free to write with abandon and also so I can revisit and see how far I’ve come.

I just need to stop hiding from myself…

IN RETROSPECT… 

I just reread my last post and I chuckled. 

I took that relationship more seriously than it deserved. If I am being honest, it was a ticking time bomb and I am so utterly grateful my ex saw the light because I am obviously a masochistic and I would have stayed for nothing. 

You see… I took a blind leap and foolishly believed in faith, hope, love, etc. While it is fine to believe, the foolish factor comes in when you know something or someone is bad for you but you keep at it hoping for some magical change in the future. What is more idiotic is knowing the person refuses to meet you in the middle, but still staying because you saw “potential”. Kid yourself not, unless it is by divine intervention, waiting for “potential” to actualise makes no sense especially if the person is not interested. Do not do this to yourself because it is very bad for your psyche. Bitter truth is — whatever potential you saw might actually exist, however it is just not meant for you because the person does not believe you are worth the effort. You also cannot get upset because no one forced you to stay. You made that choice. As painful as that is to admit, it is reality.

I tried staying friends with my ex for reasons I cannot even recall anymore. However, when I gave a brief account and explained our timeline to a few close friends, I was basically told I am being silly because someone who claims to love you should not hurt you in that manner.

TRUE SAY.

I had my blinders ripped off and I realised that relationship was a very one sided one, but that is not even the worst part. As one sided as it was, it was also heavily emotional and tasking because this person wanted all my love, the highs without the lows, but hardly ever shared their self with me and for some reason I was okay with this warped idea of love. This was the worst part. I foolishly opened myself up to a well guarded door waiting for the day I will get to see the other side. Naturally, that day never came because it was never going to happen. Nobody asked me to wait, though, so I only have myself to blame. While this was painful to realise, it is what helped me finally move on completely. Well, that and friends who constantly berated me for still caring. 

I know a major part of me wanted this one to work cause of how much I had messed up in my previous relationship and this is one mistake I am never repeating. Yeah, you you messed things up with someone great, but that does not mean you should put up with someone who does not respect you. Never play yourself so poorly. I punished myself because I felt bad that I had hurt someone else. How ridiculous is that? 

Now, I know what I want and do not want in a person which I hope will be useful in my next relationship. So im grateful for the experience, at least. It wasn’t 100% bad, it simply just wasn’t right. 


FIRSTS

All those kisses and smiles… I didn’t know I had it in me to be so goofy until you.

How many times did you catch me staring at you in amazement? You were a blessing and I loved to look at you.

Best. Smile. Ever.

You made me laugh more than anyone.

I adored you and I looked up to you.

All those cheesy “I love you’s” while our bodies moved against each other…

…pure ecstacy when I got to touch you the way you had me. Thank you always for that gift.

Raw passion on the spectrum; from deep devotion to intense exasperation.

For once, I was unable to control the depths of my emotions. My bad, though, cause there are things I could have done differently.

Frustration at erected stone walls then pure joy at every wall brought down and at every issue chipped away.

Understanding and acceptance… I got you, but I also knew there was so much more in there kept hidden…

All the moments you held me, your hands so warm and sure. Never before had it felt so good.

For every comforting word said and each time I believed.

I thank you.

I felt love and it was something.

First time I said “I love you” and truly meant it.

I’d never been scared to lose someone before you… I believed in us. I truly did.

I lost you, though, and I’m still not sure why.

I guess it wasn’t perfect for you, but I wouldn’t take it back for anything.

You were worth everything.

THIS LIFE

I fell in love and it is been topsy-turvy.
It’s the most amazing thing sometimes but other times it’s so maddening
it drives me crazy. Mostly, I am sure of myself and confident about our feelings for each other, but every so often doubts arise and I start worrying about this person’s feelings towards me and if they really do love me. I know it makes no sense to be so anxious and insecure; I do see and feel the love many times… However, I can’t help myself and, just as certainly, I cannot help how I feel. All I know, all I am sure of, is that I have inevitably fallen in love with someone.

And it’s been … Wonderful.

2014

Depression was 2014. There weren’t that many issues, but they were so consuming that they formed an angry, dark cloud that surrounded me for most of the year. A shadow I am still trying to shake off in 2015.

My mum found out she had a serious illness November 2013 but didn’t mention it to the family because she didn’t want us worried before the new year. I found out in February of 2014, a month before her surgery. I almost died. As much as we have our differences, my mum has been my biggest cheerleader in recent years. We aren’t close in the sense that I tell her all my secrets, but we are attuned to each other and I know, no matter what, she will have my back even when she doesn’t fully understand why. For that, I am grateful. So, as I said, I almost died when she told me how serious it was and I was hurt that she kept it a secret because she definitely struggled on her own when she didn’t need to. I was the only one available to take care of her full time pre and post surgery. It was tough. I don’t think I’ve faced anything as tough that didn’t have to do with me personally. I’m very much the baby of my house and used to being babied, even by friends. So, this new super grown up duty was new to me. I read everything I could on recuperation but easier read than done. I didn’t recognise my mother anymore. The roles reversed and I became the nurturer. My mum is a control freak and as long as everything is going as she planned, she’s okay. So not being in control freaked her the wrong way. It was hard. So unbelievably hard. But I did it for three months and it made us even closer, but in a very codependent way which neither of us is used to. As you can imagine, this added on its own set of issues. Thankfully, we found a middle ground and it was somewhat smooth sailing from there. Still, it reminded me of how important, yet inconsequential life can be. Are we truly prepared for the worst? I can’t say what I would’ve done if I had lost my mother. A thousand scenarios come to mind but which would I have chosen? Would I have been able to rise or will I have stayed in the slump I was in until the Doctor confirmed that all was well (for now)? I’m grateful I never had to answer these questions, but they had no problem plaguing me for the rest of the year. I didn’t realise it, but I was on the verge of stepping into sinking sand and I was highly unprepared for it…

I had an alright job in 2013 that I turned down in 2014 to care for my mum. I would have gotten it back if I’d asked, however, after everything that had happened, I became numb towards the job and life in general. Despite the warnings of those around me, I didn’t go back. I formulated grandiose ideas and plans in my head concerning my future believing I could achieve them. I assumed I was invincible because I had helped my mum and she had survived major surgery and an illness. Somehow, this made me believe I could do anything and be anything. For some, this is true; but for me, it was far from true. Of course, what I didn’t realise then was that those were the highs that came with depression and I was soon to experience the lows in full force.
Certain things I’m not ready to talk about happened and all the plans I’d made fell through. There I was technically unemployed, my mum didn’t need me much anymore, everyone around me was moving on, and I was suddenly stuck in the mud. Still, I was in denial. I did everything possible to keep myself in denial which in all honesty was nothing. I did nothing to get out of the mud. I just stayed stuck…

I somehow managed to find love in 2014. It was unconventional, but I was drawn to this person like a moth to flame. I knew it would end badly but I didn’t care. In the end, we hurt each other in ways we both couldn’t tolerate. The fear of falling and letting go got to me (as it always does) and I messed up big time. I got the old “I love you, but I can’t be with you cause I don’t trust you” riot act read to me. It was a solid bummer, but I shrugged it off. It wasn’t meant to be and we would’ve burned out eventually, anyway. That realisation didn’t stop my mind from going haywire. The one thing that I was looking forward to bettering my mood was gone and I was officially lifeless…

The mud and sinking sand became one and the same. I was stuck and sinking, but I wasn’t calling out for help. I was on a path of self-destruction to see how far this would go and how bad it could possible get. Naturally, this was the only thing I managed to do well all year. I excelled at it, in fact — Summa cum laude et al.  By September I was in a haze filled slump. By then the highs had passed and all I had were lows and unending sadness with sporadic bouts of forced happiness. I did nothing. Said nothing. Ate nothing. Lied about everything. Avoided everyone. I vacated my body at a point and just watched myself deteriorate. It was horrible. I was horrible.

Out of the blue, a friend asked me “Why are you doing this to yourself?” I was startled. I’d managed to hide it so well from everyone else but she saw right through my act. I’ll spare you the speech I received but it was what I needed to spur me into action. I had to change my environment and to do that I needed to relocate. I left home and moved in with my sister and her family in November. They live in a different city. Things got much better from then. Sometimes I still slip up and slide back into that place but so far 2015 has been great.

2014 is a sad blur to me. I did a lot of stupid things, many I have blocked from my memory. Those I do remember are not worth highlighting, but definitely worth forgetting.

NOSTALGIA WON

I miss blogging, and I have especially missed this blog. I think I’ve mentioned this before but even though I have two blogs, I am far more attached to this one as its primary purpose was to pen down personal feelings, no matter how random or unintelligible they seemed. It was for me, of mind, of body, of soul, and of the universe. Basically, it IS my baby. Neglected, yes, but still loved.

I’ve been rereading old posts and marvelling at how far I’ve come in just three years, but YET I have still remained the same person intrinsically. This was the crux of it all, however, I lost my written voice a while ago and felt like I had nothing to offer myself (and others). I went from agitated, to despondent, to indifferent, until finally, I “forgot” the blog existed. Honestly, I was too scared to try again so I didn’t even want to see it. Now, as nostalgia finally overcame irrational fear, I am so glad I found the courage to open and reread posts. I have been spurred into taking action (aka wielding my pen/keyboard) to resume blogging, hence this post.

I have less time on my hands now, but I’m going to work at this because I’ve been searching for sanity, togetherness, and how to start the Zen journey but haven’t found them yet. This blog was the closest I ever came.

Here I am, once again…

BE KIND. ALWAYS.

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I’ve been thinking about the saying: “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.” I always used to think that phrase was wrong because we don’t always have nice things to say & sometimes, people need to … Continue reading

FOR YOUR INFORMATION

…in the meantime, I’ll let my imagination dream up scenarios I am yet to experience (because someday I WILL experience then). While life continues to throw bricks in my face, my expression will aggravate them more as they wonder how they can hurt me so viciously and yet I am still able to look like I’m blissfully at peace.

Life can’t hurt me where it matters most.

Im smiling, in spite of the pain. I’m doing this for me and no one else because at the end of the day, it’s MY story and everyone else is disposable. I don’t have a tragic ending… Anything but that. I refuse to let outside influence interfere with my inner peace and happiness.

Pardon my French, but fuck you. I’m not afraid of you & never will I be.