It’s funny how when we make certain decisions we believe are best for us, we, sometimes, end up inadvertently hurting others in the process.
Perhaps I’m alone in this instance.
Early last year, between March and May, I made the decision to stop talking with a close friend of mine. This wasn’t an abrupt decision for me. It was tough. This person had slowly become my everything and I was developing feelings I knew would never be reciprocated. I kept on with the friendship, because I truly valued it and believed it was better to stay friends than nothing. However, it got too much to bear, so I cut this person off till about December last year. We started talking again and it was then I realised just how much my decision had hurt this person, because, while for me it was a tough decision to make & took a while before I actually did it, I was prepared for the loss. For this person, however, it was very abrupt and they were left confused, sad & wondering why we weren’t talking anymore. I had hurt someone who I felt, at the time, was hurting me, too, though unintentionally. Life truly is funny. This person said that my leaving hurt a lot & they doubt if they can ever let me or anyone else so deeply into their lives as much as I used to be. This surprised me because I never thought that would be their reaction. I was also saddened because I knew that even though we’d started talking again, things won’t be as they used to between us.
These days, we don’t talk as much as we used to & sometimes I regret losing the closeness we once had. Other times, I’m glad that there’s a little distance between us now–for my own peace of mind. What I really find funny, though, is that I set out hoping to completely cut this person off because I feared old feelings might resurface. Now, I’m very content with our friendship & I feel nothing but a kind of old kinship with this person. I don’t believe I want us to be as close as we used to be, even though I said I do miss it terribly at times & I honestly don’t believe we can ever even be that way anymore. We had our special something, and though it was great while we had it, it’s time to move on.
I guess what matters at the end of the day is just how much “whoever” means to you. If they mean a lot to you, you might be willing to revert your decision and begin talking with them again. However, if you realise that you can do without them & without feeling sorry, then it becomes much easier to move on with your life. If I were strong enough, I might have probably stuck with my original plan. However, we are who we are & who I am just isn’t wired that way.
Thoughts of a Mad Hatter 