IN RETROSPECT…

I just reread my last post and I chuckled. 

I took that relationship more seriously than it deserved. If I am being honest, it was a ticking time bomb and I am so utterly grateful my ex saw the light because I am obviously a masochistic and I would have stayed for nothing. 

You see… I took a blind leap and foolishly believed in faith, hope, love, etc. While it is fine to believe, the foolish factor comes in when you know something or someone is bad for you but you keep at it hoping for some magical change in the future. What is more idiotic is knowing the person refuses to meet you in the middle, but still staying because you saw “potential”. Kid yourself not, unless it is by divine intervention, waiting for “potential” to actualise makes no sense especially if the person is not interested. Do not do this to yourself because it is very bad for your psyche. Bitter truth is — whatever potential you saw might actually exist, however it is just not meant for you because the person does not believe you are worth the effort. You also cannot get upset because no one forced you to stay. You made that choice. As painful as that is to admit, it is reality.

I tried staying friends with my ex for reasons I cannot even recall anymore. However, when I gave a brief account and explained our timeline to a few close friends, I was basically told I am being silly because someone who claims to love you should not hurt you in that manner.

TRUE SAY.

I had my blinders ripped off and I realised that relationship was a very one sided one, but that is not even the worst part. As one sided as it was, it was also heavily emotional and tasking because this person wanted all my love, the highs without the lows, but hardly ever shared their self with me and for some reason I was okay with this warped idea of love. This was the worst part. I foolishly opened myself up to a well guarded door waiting for the day I will get to see the other side. Naturally, that day never came because it was never going to happen. Nobody asked me to wait, though, so I only have myself to blame. While this was painful to realise, it is what helped me finally move on completely. Well, that and friends who constantly berated me for still caring. 

I know a major part of me wanted this one to work cause of how much I had messed up in my previous relationship and this is one mistake I am never repeating. Yeah, you you messed things up with someone great, but that does not mean you should put up with someone who does not respect you. Never play yourself so poorly. I punished myself because I felt bad that I had hurt someone else. How ridiculous is that? 

Now, I know what I want and do not want in a person which I hope will be useful in my next relationship. So im grateful for the experience, at least. It wasn’t 100% bad, it simply just wasn’t right. 

NEW SELF?

There are times that I’ve thought of starting my life over. I tend to drift off and start thinking up various ways this can happen, and maybe, just maybe, life will work out in my favour this time. Nothing too drastic or far-fetched, you know. Just in the ways I’ve always wished or things I would do/would have done differently to set me on the right path. I usually end up with two basic ideas as solutions for these thoughts. They’re nothing elaborate or spectacular; probably ideas that anyone whose ever thought this way has had at least once.

The first is to run away and never look back. At least, not till I get my life as properly sorted out as I’d like it to be. I know this is a selfish one, so it’s not the best of the both. I like it cause I don’t necessarily have to start from scratch, and I’m now capable of taking care of myself alone. It’s also the most reasonable of the two to me. Sometimes, I just want to pack a bag, empty my bank account, and create a new identity and life for myself. I like to believe I’llbe a better person if I end up following this path. The second is reincarnation. I want to knowingly die, be reincarnated and still be aware of myself. Of course, I’d have to believe in reincarnation and also believe that we remain conscious of our former selves when we come back into the world. That is my ideal way of starting over. Nobody gets hurt, I don’t get looked for, I fade out of this world and step into a hopefully better one where I’m able to truly start over.

Sadly (or thankfully?), these are just wistful fantasies I have, especially the second. I’m probably never going to do the first. I once prayed to God to make me emotional, but I guess I should have been more specific. He made me more empathic than I’d like to be and didn’t give me the sort of emotions I was looking for- if He did, I’m not yet aware of it. So, because of this, If I ever run away I would end up worry myself to death thinking about how I cut myself off from people that actually gave a damn about me. Unless something significantly upsetting or life-changing moves me to do it, I really don’t think I could ever run away.

Like Johnny Cash said-

“If I could start again a million miles away, I would keep myself. I would find a way.”

Yeah, these are just thoughts that pass through my mind once in a while…

CONFUSED?

“What am I doing?!”
“What am I doing?!”
“What am I doing?!”

That’s all my mind is thinking right now.

It’s all a confusing blur of nonsense that’s been flowing through my head for a long while now that I’ve been unable to decipher, and it’s aggravating my soul. I feel like I’m under some sort of compulsion, and even though my mind is screaming at me not to go any further until it understands what’s going on, it’s as though my body has been cut off and just does as it pleases (mostly to my detriment). How else does a person get into a situation they know will not end well for them or others involved, but still stay in it? You know you’re doing something so highly and unequivocally stupid, but keep doing it anyway. It absolutely makes no sense! Am I hoping for something good to come of it eventually? Surely, I cannot be this delusional, because the sensible part of me knows that at the end I’ll most likely regret it (whatever ‘it’ is), but the irrational part ignores it and keeps stubbornly plunging forward as though trying to prove some point. I’m usually baffled whenever this happens to others, so you can’t understand how horrified I am at myself.

Sadly, I know I’m probably going to keep at it, leaping into things without thinking them through, because I seem to always be able to safely weasel myself out of them. But I know one day my lucky streak will run out, and I will most likely land head first and end up with long-term bruises. I just want to say though, I will wear my bandages with pride. Yes, bandages borne out of utter stupidity. Maybe they’ll help me learn to think before getting myself further into things that I’m unable to get out of.

Till then…